family time...

i suppose it's always a little bit dangerous to spend any length of time with friends that have small children, because afterwards i'm left with this overwhelming feeling like i'm missing out on something. 10 days with a 5 and 7 year old... 4 days with a 3.5 year old. my best friend just got married. i want whatever is next.

i think i've exhausted myself of the single life. i don't like it. i want the next stage, the whatever version of happily ever after that's supposed to be mine. i still hate dating. i hate the insecurities that it triggers in me. the 'if someone wanted to see me, they'd make an effort to do so, why aren't they making an effort?'s... etc. and it doesn't mean that i'm not satisfied within myself about ME. b/c that's not really the issue. i'm not satisfied with the single me. and i'm not saying that because i need someone else to 'complete me', and all that bee ess. i'm saying it because i want my legacy to be seen in the joy of my children's faces. that's it. so what do i do to get there? it's all very strange.

the crazy traveling for photo work is finally over. so now i'm back in new york, jobless and apartmentless... and now is when i really begin to knuckle down and figure it all out. get it all settled. and also when i start freaking the hell out. i begin to wonder why i bother staying here. what exactly is keeping me here?

it's always the same things with me, right? right.

awesome/not awesome

it's been a long time since i've done one...

awesome: slightly salty edamame and lemon/lime seltzer water (not mixed together obvi).
not awesome: any new season of "rock of love" or subsequent "charm school" television shows. who ARE these people, and why do they deserve any sort of fame?!
awesome: jennifer summer and her amazing benefit happening tonight! check it out. i'm one of the artists contributing to the auction and one of the people highlighted in jenn's section.
not awesome: yeah... still "charm school".
awesome: gentle smooches and beautiful blue eyes.
not awesome: limitations.
awesome: a sudden influx of creative juices.
awesome: the day after pilates soreness.
awesome: losing a few pounds.
awesome: having the summer of my life planned.
awesome: new beginnings.

oh hello hormones, welcome to the party...

what is one to do when an already active sex drive turns thirty and then one wants the good business ALL THE TIME? oh hello new person that i might be dating, welcome to the party. here's where i attack your face every time i see you. and even when i'm not seeing you, i'm thinking about attacking your face. because even though my brain is a giant whore... i am not. and only sleep with/date one person at a time.

i thought that a relatively normal sex drive was good enough... and as i get older, it's just getting worse! aren't men supposed to lose their sex drive as they get older? how is that fair? now, i'm going to become the weird chick that can't keep her paws off you, when all you want to do is sleep. that's interesting. i'm going to have to think about that.

also... i wish i had a video camera for my brain when i'm sleeping. i have the most vivid and ridiculous (and sometimes downright devious) dreams, and i wish that you could all see them. instead of me trying to remember and failing miserably.

my thoughts are somersaulting right now...

airport fascinations...

the airport always fascinates me... and not just because of the endless amount of insanely awesome people watching. for some reason, i've managed to get through security with three bags... one of which is large and on wheels... i very rarely have my bags taken aside and checked... but my nose always gets me in trouble here. my gate is right next to a panda express (which is basically just a ginormous case of heartburn waiting to happen... mmm msg). i've been sitting here for an hour and then finally couldn't take it any more. i had to have it.

please note that i went the healthy route (snort) and got a side of steamed veggies instead of chow mein or fried rice.

my fortune cookie had this to say: your most memorable dream will come true.

yes please! the only dreams that i tend to remember are the juicy ones, and i've been having some dooooooozies lately. i'll let you know how that turns out.

other items of note. i'm watching about twenty-five flight attendants pre-board the plane. i also see about thirty people waiting for the flight. this leads me to believe that there will basically be one flight attendant per flyer. that's awfully fancy, delta airlines, thank you very much! now bring a free glass of wine.

i'm hoping beyond hoping that this international flight goes smoother than the last time i went over the pond. i dont think that ive ever in my life had such a horrendous case of food poisoning. i get shivers just thinking about it. the horror. this is also why i had to have the panda express... i will not be eating anything that these effers give me on the plane. too risky. apparently airlines dont know how to properly wash lettuce, and think that serving shrimp in the air is a GOOD idea. ummm no.

and the boarding commences... here we go.

sunshine daydreams...

in the middle of a walk up 6th avenue, after buying compact flash cards for my camera, and on the way up to meet another friend for lunch, i somehow talked my friend into shaving his head. i'm talking past the ear jewcurls to a one guard type of action. so, we went into duane reade, bought some beard trimmers, and found a spot out on the lawn at bryant park, and went to town. i was laughing my ass off the entire time, but it actually looks good. this might be my new thing. attack random men with beard trimmers... see what happens.

i have weird tan lines going on b/c of all this sunshine. yesterday in the car on the way to new jersey to pick up my repaired camera, and then today frolicking a bit, and shearing in bryant park... i look spastic. but who cares, the sun is shining.

i keep having random drift off daydreams about good smooches and late night canoodling. i can't help it. i just... like it/him/it/him. and that's not such a bad thing. is it? and because i know that i'm going to be gone for a lot of june, i just want it all right now now now now. and that part i need to get over... because i certainly dont want to overwhelm anyone else simply because i have a busy schedule. i'm still trying to be mindful of my 'one thing at a time' mantra.

i'm off to copenhagen for a few days... wish me luck!

when did simon baker get so cute?

some things are just undeniably awesome... a cool breeze coming in through a slightly open window, your favorite thai food joint being open a few hours later than you thought they were, discovering a festive new show like the mentalist (suddenly simon baker is very appealing to me, who knew)... and sleeping through the night.

the other night, i slept. i didn't open my eyes in my sleep, i didn't rearrange the bedding on my bed, i didn't walk around, i didn't talk to anyone, i didn't feel like i was being hunted by someone... i just slept. i suppose that this singular instance really isnt a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. but if you lived in my head, you'd be pretty intrigued by it. comfort. ease. i like it.

i'm really excited for next week. i'm flying to copenhagen to shoot a wedding... and it should be a few days of a whole lot of awesome. hopefully i'll get the chance to flex my creative muscles and try some new things... take some amazing pictures... and take a little bit of pressure off of myself. the endless checklist. it'll be good to knock a couple of items off. then i can come back and work on sleeping through the night again.

the eyes have it...

you know, i must seem rather a nutter this last week considering that i was pouting so profusely several days ago, and i now i cant stop grinning. but i guess that's how things go... things can change in an instant. you can let your thoughts linger over some douchenozzle from your past that probably didnt deserve your attention anyway, or you can focus on what's suddenly right in front of you. and lucky for me, it's two beautiful blue eyes that stay at the forefront of my mind since even yesterday... and it makes me grin, and blush a little (okay maybe a lot)... and i find myself looking forward to good things. walks and hand holding... endless conversations about nothing in particular, which doesn't really matter as long as that face is in front of you... potential canoodling. romance.

romance.

i have never in the entirety of my dating life let out the inner goofball for the man that i'm with. it's always a more cautious version of the real me. the just a little bit afraid to really put myself out there me... which has served me well in the past for the most part, i was right to be cautious, since some people are less awesome then they presume to be... but i'm thinking, maybe it's time. if the people that love me the most are the people that really know who i am as a person, really get and appreciate me, in all that uniqueness... then maybe it's time to just let it go.

well... here's to letting go. with my eyes wide open...